All the World is Medicine

 Last night I had this horrible mixture of a toothache and headache. I was laying on the sofa, in pain, trying to think of something other than the pain.

My soon-to-be-here-daughter? No, that is too scary.
All the work I have to get done? No, that is too stressful.
How much I miss my friends? No, too sad.
My ex? Now, that is way too painful.

These thoughts started rushing around my head like a carnival ride, I felt as if there was a man standing there yelling, "Step right up and throw your baseball at one of these choices! Everyone is a winner here!" I had my choices all lined up in front of me like milk bottles and all I had to do was throw the ball and think of something else. Instead, in a moment of clarity or complete insanity (sometimes to two are so alike it is hard to tell them apart), I dropped the ball and walked away.

 Basically I started laughing and I could not stop. 

 This has happened to me once before -when my ex left me and the Little One. In all of the intense pain, rejection and suffering I sat on the end of a bed and started laughing. 

And here I was on a sofa in intense physical pain, laughing until I started crying. I couldn't help it. Everything hurt- body, mind and emotions. A friend happened to text me as this was going on and I told him about my tooth ache and the laughing fit. He asked me if I was okay, I stopped laughing for a moment and wrote back "Everything is shit or backwards. Life is crazy. What else can I do but smile and laugh at it?"

Lately everything feels wrong. I feel wrong. I feel wrong for being more terrified of this pregnancy and child than I am excited. I feel wrong for not looking at the warning signs and not knowing that my ex would run away at the first major issue that arose and for loathing him because he isn't responsible and is selfish. I feel wrong for not recognizing my own body. I feel wrong for still missing my ex. I feel wrong for wondering if I will be a good mother.I feel wrong for everything. 

My life feels like it is not mine anymore, like I am not allowed to feel sorry or bad about what happened. I have to be strong for everyone. I have to be because...because...

 Because why?

Everything is shit right now and my life is backwards. So what? I have to wonder how much of this was caused from my attachments to things and people who were impermanent. How much of this suffering is caused by my obsession over emotions and the past? I can't change the fact that my ex left me but I can stop obsessing over the hurt, anger and pain that I feel. I can accept these emotions, ask why there are there, and then let them go on their way. You cannot control what emotions arise within you but you can control how you use them and react towards them. 

I think a lot of the pain I feel right now if from the fear that I will never get over this situation. I fear that I will always be stuck in this place or worse- I will be stuck in an infinite loop of the day everything fell apart. I fear that this is the best it is going to get, no one will ever want me again, and that maybe my ex was right...maybe I will only fuck this child up. I let the fear of the future and the hurt of the past combine into this scary monster that doesn't even exist. A boogeyman who hides in the shadows and lurks around whispering my fears into my ears. What can I do when this happens? 

I can smile and laugh at my own fears because they are nothing more than emotions that I have obsessed over. I can run towards that which scares me with open arms because if I do that, what have I to fear? I can be in the moment. I can breathe. I can realize that all I have is right now- the past is over and the future has not even started. 

 So, that is what I decided to do. I cannot control life but I can smile at it. I can still see the beauty through all the darkness. I can choose how I respond.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” ~ Pema Chodron from When Things Fall Apart

The Anarchist's Closet.

Yesterday I was hurrying through a giant list of things I had to get done (and pretty much knew I wouldn't get done) when I suddenly got extremely annoyed.

See, my brain is odd. Nothing happened on that particular day to annoy me but my mind decided to go back to the day before and become annoyed all over again about something that had happened at that time. I thought I was over it but apparently I am not.

I guess this still bugs me so I am going to attempt to write about it as clearly and non-rant-y as possible because I am holding a cup of coffee and if I get on too big of a rant I will probably spill it all over me.

The other day I got into a discussion on politics with a acquaintance. Personally, this is a subject that I rarely discuss or even want to discuss but one that happened anyway. As I listened to him rant on about this problem and that, how society (which, apparently is a giant, breathing, living monster and not at all what I thought it was ) is ruining whatever, and how we need to fight the power I must admit I found myself growing increasingly annoyed. I wanted to ask him, "Well, dearest, what is that you plan to do to change all of these horrid things?" but I kept my mouth shut. Until I got the question-

"So, uh, what is your political party? Who'd ya vote for?"

" No one."

"What? That is impossible. Who will you vote for?"

"No one."

Silence.

"What are you, like an Anarchist or something?"

 And there was the big, bad, "A" word. The word that keeps me from talking about this. Yeah, buddy, I am an Anarchist or something.

I can never gauge what most people will do when I tell them my political views- some look at me like I kicked a dog, others tell me it is just a phase (apparently a 5+year phase), and there are those, usually young, stupid kids, who try to high five me because apparently I am hardcore.

In a way I can see how people would view Anarchism as something that doesn't really exist- the people who call themselves Anarchist, or who get labeled as such, are the ones running around during protests, setting cars on fire and breaking store-front windows for whatever demented reason. They are the ones who usually complain about big box stores while dragging their sorry butts into one. They are the ones who have no idea the rich, deep and intense history of Anarchy or the people who helped create it (People like Heywood, Spencer,Spooner, Warren, and Thoreau, to name a few). To these people Anarchy is an excuse to do whatever the hell you want and get away with it. It is an excuse to be violent and cruel. It is an excuse to play dress-up for a night. It is nothing more than a way to get our their frustrations and anger.

If you ask me what it means to me to be a Philosophical/ Individualist Anarchist this is what I would tell you- I have studied the works the the aforementioned men, I have also studied the works of writers like Hobbs, Smith, Paine and other such writers. The choice I made to be a P/I Anarchist was due to the fact that it made the most sense to me and because I felt by being one I could do more good in my community and world than I could as anything else. I do not vote because I do not believe that this particular system works and I see no point in pretending otherwise but I would never discourage someone who does believe in our government system from voting. I believe that violence, perpetuated by anyone under any philosophical, religious, or political flag, only creates fear, division and more violence and will never solve anything. I believe that we should be working in our communities to create better lives for ourselves and those around us. I believe that diversity should be celebrated and not demeaned. I believe in hard-work and passion and despise apathy. I believe that people have the ability to think for themselves, make good choices, and help others but I also believe that most of us are too lazy, selfish and apathetic to do so. This is not the fault of society, government or any conspiracy theory- it is simply our fault. I am not an idealist- I see that our government has done good for our people, but I also see the bad and corrupt.  I do not think that we should strip down this system in one tear because that would only lead to more corruption, violence and the promise of something much worse. Do I believe that humankind could do well without government? Yes, I do. But I also believe that we must be willing to take on the responsibility, hard work, and a deep caring for others. I do not believe we are there yet.

Listen, I understand that these views are not the views of everyone and I am okay with that. I am perfectly content in knowing that there are people who do not think like me. I honestly think it is great- we need to view other ideas and thoughts, we need that creativity and passion. I am not asking anyone to think or believe like me. All I am asking, and ever will ask, is that you view me as a person who has a view point, albeit different than yours, that is well thought out and deserving of a little respect. I don't understand people who are extremely one party or the other but I respect their decision to believe that way. I don't understand specific religions but I am not going to rush around screaming, "I am Chan/Zen Buddhist and all of you are wrong!". I have views on abortion, capital punishment, and the environment that make people give me a funny look but I am not going to try to sway you to my thinking. I do not think enough of myself to honestly believe that my viewpoint of this world is the correct, one-true-way of thinking and everyone else will be damned if they don't think like me. We need to learn the difference between a calm, intellectual discussion/debate and a disrespectful "frak-you" screaming match that we tend to see all of the time.

It isn't just about respect for me, I honestly think we could all do with a little more respect for one another. It doesn't really matter if someone doesn't agree with you, does it? Unless they outright call you an idiot or stupid for believing something you should not automatically assume that is what they mean when they disagree with you. Should the fact that someone doesn't agree with you cheapen your beliefs? It is time to grow up, learn to speak in intelligence and love, and respect one another. You want to change the world around you? Do something great? That is where we all need to begin.

Thank you, Mr. Mailman

I was given a gift card at my baby shower and ended up buying these online. I almost hugged the mailman when the came to the door with all of these lovely packages...but a hormonal, pregnant, 23 year old hug may have freaked him out a bit so I held back.

In Which We Begin.

This was not the plan; if I ever really had a plan. I was supposed to finally get out of my scared, little comfort zone and be the gypsy traveler that I used to be. I was supposed to be a better writer than I was letting myself be right now- I wanted to be like all of those classic writers that I loved... minus that alcoholism, suicide and major drug use. I was supposed to be like all my friends who are doing exactly what they love and excelling at it.

I was supposed to be.
I was supposed to be.
For 23 years I was supposed to be but never was.

Now I was staring at a pregnancy test and wondering if I ever could be. I had always disliked the color pink and now that it was telling me I was pregnant I hated it even more. Pregnant; that word was one that I never imagined using in context to myself. I never wanted children, heck, I never owned a doll as a child. I was much more comfortable playing in mud and climbing trees. Now I was left with a choice that I had never imagined myself making and I had no idea what I was going to do.

Two weeks later I found myself in a lobby- which smelled heavily of fake vanilla- waiting to get an ultrasound. I had yet to tell anyone about the pregnancy save for my then-boyfriend and best friend. I wanted to make sure that I was actually pregnant and not just infected with an alien or possessed by a creeptastic demon (hey, it could happen.) To say I was nervous would be the biggest understatement of the year: I was completely and utterly terrified to my core.

Fast forward an hour and I was stumbling out of the clinic like a drunken idiot, walking down the street in a haze. I was not only pregnant but was nineteen weeks along. Nineteen weeks of no symptoms, not showing, and not knowing that I was pregnant. I was pretty much a candidate for one of those “I didn't know that I was pregnant until I gave birth while square-dancing” shows. The strangest part of this was that even though I was scared, confused and a little upset, I was feeling a underlying wave of peace and happiness.

What. The. Frak.

My boyfriend left me after I told him I was pregnant, I ended up being the 23 year old, single pregnant girl without a job, and my parents asked me to move back in with them until my daughter is born. I’m not going to downplay it: I felt very broken. I spent a lot of time crying or angry with the situation but through it all I knew that keeping my daughter was the best choice I was ever going to make.Change happened to me and within me in a fairly short time and I believe this happens, to an extent, to every parent or parent-to-be. I learned to move on and be happy. Life isn't fair but making myself suffer was a stupid idea. I wasn't going to be a victim.

Single parenting is going to be hard: parenting in any situation is hard. I know that some days will be hell, other days I will want to give up. I don't know what I am doing; I don't know the correct books to read, the best stroller to get, how to wrap a baby carrier, or what Braxton-Hicks contractions were (I kept calling them “Higgs-Boson” contractions.) But I do know that I love this little person and that I will do anything to make sure she is okay. I am completely okay with figuring it out along the way. I'm lucky to have a community of friends and family who are supporting me in this. I had to learn to be okay with others helping me; a hard thing to do for someone who is used to do it all on her own.

I get frustrated sometimes when people come up to me and tell me how much a child needs a mother and a father in order to grow up healthy and not end up a raving lunatic. There isn’t much I can do in these situations except for pretend to listen and smile. But I can’t wait to explain to my daughter that families come in all shapes and sizes: Some have a mother and a father, others have a mother or a father, there are those who have two mothers or two fathers and still yet there are families that have a few moms and dads and that every single one of these families are beautiful. I feel no shame raising a child as a single mother and I do not feel like a victim. I may not be the perfect parent and there are still so many unanswered and scary questions that I know I will have to face but those answers will come with time.

Yeah, it wasn't the damn plan but honestly my plan wasn't working. I don't believe in fate or destiny but this little girl (who will be born in November) has completely changed my life for the better. I don't want to do things anymore, I just do them. She's shown me-without even being here yet- that my life is worth something if I believe it is. I want to travel with her, show her new and old ways of living, let her grow in her creativity and imagination. I want her to see the beauty and sadness in this world, be compassionate and strong, to run in the tall grass and forests like I once did. In realizing these things for my daughter I also realized that I wanted all of these things for myself.

 Buckle up, Bree. This will be one insane journey.